The U.S. of A. turns 240 years old today. That means it’s time for real Americans show how heavy their blood runs red, white, and blue by fliffing out half their paychecks on fireworks, red meat and copious amounts of cheap beer (bonus points if it’s that German-made “American” beer). Some people might have a hard time finding patriotic things to do around this liberal town of Portland, but really, there are plenty of ways to rep the star spangled banner. Below is a list of seven ways to be a true American hero for our great nation’s birthday. Let Freedom ring mother fuckers.
Buy Useless made-in-China Goods
Preferably from Fred Meyer or any other equally corporate superstores. The hippies in this town will try to spin this as being wasteful, but don’t listen to their socialist nonsense. “Consumerism” is the word you need to drill into your brain. It’s the lifeblood of our capitalistic principles and the reason so many of our ancestors were able to exploit this country’s need for more. Every time you buy an American flag fanny pack, you’re supporting the troops. And by supporting the troops you’re helping defeat that nasty plague of communism.
Visit one of Downtown’s Watering Holes
See the needle-soaked water shoots under the Burnside Bridge or the luscious Skidmore Fountain. Make sure you bring sunglasses though, because there are typically large white bellies reflecting the sun and providing enough heat to make you think you’ve died and gone to Miami. You can also take a dip in the dirty Willy while drinking shitty beer on the docks – a fine place to smoke meth as well.
Crash a Vegan BBQ
Somehow, unbeknownst to everybody, being a carnivore is synonymous with being a patriot. We host an annual hot dog eating contests on our independence day for Christ sakes. Meat eating is a pastime and any sick fool who doesn’t suck down mutant pig buttholes should go ahead and book a flight to North Korea. But if you’re a TRUE American, consider making a grand entrance to your neighbor’s tofu-fest and start deep throating wieners faster than a Lloyd Center hooker. Extra Credit: replace their vegan desserts with ones made with real butter.
Wear Dirty Old Cut-off Jean Shorts
These may be the same cut-offs you wear every other day, but today pair them up with a tacky cut-off tee and insist that you’re only wearing those hideous mid-thigh “jorts” to be ironic, while knowing damn well you’ll be wearing them every other fucking day this summer too.
Watch Joe Dirt
Did you know? The magical town that Joe Dirt is constantly referencing in the film is less than an hour away from PDX? I’m not telling you to go there, because it’s probably pretty shitty, but this movie represents America’s values to the fullest. From possibly the most important firework monologue in film history, to almost making whoopee with his sister, this movie breaths the type of freedom that millions of Americans misinterpret each year trying to validate their slobby existence.
Get High and Whack Off
Oh shit, this isn’t my personal to-do list? My bad.
Purchase a Dilapidated Building in a Run-Down Neighborhood
Hurry because there aren’t many left. Once you’ve established your grounds, expand your chill-vibe into the neighborhood by recruiting other artsy, creative types to buy-in and open businesses. Revel in the swanky restaurants and cool bars that lay the groundwork for the neighborhood you’ve created. Then, sit back and watch as out-of-state developers cash in on your chill vibes by building high-end condos that no basket weaver could dream of affording. Once this happens, the businessers and restauranteurs who built the neighborhood will become priced-out, only leaving room for true American capitalistic forces like Pizza Smizza. Enjoy a $4 PBRs with one of their generic pies and think about how great America really is.
This article has been paid for by the Trump brand and the Grand Old Party.